Just Thought I Should Share This.

Calling her FAKE won't make you REAL.
Calling her DUMB won't make you SMART.
Calling her WEAK won't make you STRONG.
Calling her UGLY won't make you BEAUTIFUL.
Calling her MEAN won't make you NICE.
Calling her SLUT won't make you KIND-HEARTED.
Calling her RUDE won't make you POLITE.

It's Much To Quiet In Here!

I seriously feel like I am going a bit crazy.
I mean I know I was crazy to begin with, but lately I'm just like UGH.
And all I can think about is the tattoo I want to get on the back of my neck...
I've been chain smoking and considering I want to quit and this is the last pack I'm buying it's a bad idea.
I just want to scream all my anguish out at the world.
Pull my hair and just let everything go, but then people would really think I was crazy.
If I screamed enough, would all the pain go away?
I think I am going to try that tonight into a pillow, it used to make me feel better.
But will it now? Will it work?
I'm just so confused now, I don't know what I am doing with my life, I feel numb.
I don't feel anything, ever.
I don't get excited, happy, sad.
Just angry, all the time. It's like the only emotion I can feel anymore.
I feel antsy, like I just want to destroy something, smash it against the wall.

It's much to quiet it here! I want to disappear. I can hear myself thinking to clear.

 I think I am going to find something I don't care about and just smash it into a million pieces, feel the satisfaction of destroying something.

UPDATE: Destroyed an old phone, not satisfying enough, need glass.

So I Had Anger Issues Before.

But now they are just being completely ridiculous.
I am getting mad about everything, and I understand that's what is supposed to happen when a dear friend passes away but it's...hard.
I could barely control my anger normally but now it's just insane.
Especially with my sister.
Like today my mom told me I would get my phone back in two weeks if my sim card was returned by tonight.
Problem is, I wasn't the one who took it, my sister was.
So I have no clue where it's at, or what she did with it.
And so far, after I told her the news she hasn't even moved off the couch.
I want my phone.
I tore apart my room looking for it and I didn't see it anywhere.
She's just SITTING there at the damn computer.
I fucking hate her.
I hate my mom too, because of the way of how different she treats us.
My sister is obviously the favorite, it hasn't even been a month since my sister got grounded, and she gets her phone back tomorrow.
I've been grounded for two months, and I have to wait two weeks.
Fuck this, I just want to be 18 already, get the fuck outta town.
Get the fuck outta here.
Leave forever and never come back.
I need a cigarette.

So I Have To Admit.

I'm not much for modern music, or 'screamo'. 

However this new band has caught my attention. 

Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows, or D.R.U.G.S. 

I like the meaning behind everything about them, from their video's, name of songs, and especially the band name. 

I can relate to a lot of their songs, and I have to say I have fallen a bit in love with the band. 

I never thought that this band would be any good when my friends showed it to me [because most of them aren't.] 

But to me, this band is amazing. 

I love how everything they do is FILLED with meaning, unlike most bands.

Here are the lyrics :

If I'm your salvation, welcome to hell.
 

If you're looking to me I must confess.
You'll not get an answer, lost deep in loneliness.
I'm just a question, I'm just full of passion.
You aim and you miss.
If we keep fighting who we are we won't get anything.

It's like I'm stabbing in the dark, stabbing in the dark.
It's like I feel too much, feel too much.
But, I can't find my heart.
It's like I'm stabbing in the dark, stabbing in the dark.
It's like I think too much, think too much.
And then I fall apart.
Like stabbing in the dark.

I said "I'm me" like I'm an answer.
Just a question who missed a complete disaster.
Just a person, probably the worst one.
Loose-lipped and shoulders chipped.
If we keep fighting who we are we won't get anything.

It's like I'm stabbing in the dark, stabbing in the dark.
It's like I feel too much, feel too much.
But, I can't find my heart.
It's like I'm stabbing in the dark, stabbing in the dark.
It's like I think too much, think too much.
And then I fall apart.

Still, I'm here.
I'm singing for you.
Still, I'm here.
I'm singing for you.

It's like I'm stabbing in the dark, stabbing in the dark.
It's like I feel too much, feel too much.
But, I can't find my heart.
It's like I'm stabbing in the dark, stabbing in the dark.
It's like I think too much, think too much.
And then I fall apart.
Like stabbing in the dark.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm singing for you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Still, I'm here.
I'm singing for you.

My Quest To Stop Smoking. Day One.

This will be a continued series updated and such, in-between my other blogs.
So while walking the other night, I decided I no longer liked the way I could barely breath.
I started wheezing and coughing and such, so I have decided that I am going to quit smoking!
And the taste has begun to disgust me, it doesn't relieve my stress anymore but ads to it instead. -_-
But not like COLD TURKEY. I have decided that the pack yesterday is the last pack I will ever buy!
I am going to get an electronic cigarette called White Dragon this Friday from the Swap Meet.
Then I can smoke in the house! [Yayy!]
And it won't do me any harm and hopefully I'll be able to breath normally again.
That way I can drop 30 something pounds and such without almost dying from coughing!
Then I will feel better about myself and all that. :D

JESUS CHRIST.

So most of my blogs have been all serious and stuff, about life and all that.
But seriously, I am sitting in my first [online] math class and I seriously want to shoot myself in the foot.
And the worst part? I am getting all the answers WRONG. 
Most likely because I am blogging instead of paying attention but it's such a remedial class, like 2+2.
And it's just like, JESUS.
Why am I doing this all wrong?
I'm in there, thinking I'm hot shit, and I'm not.
I am glad that no one else is seeing my ridiculous answers.
But the teacher, for the first 20 minutes all she did was talk about how much she LOVES math.
And I can't help but think, deargodkillmenow.

I took this damn class last year [Algebra 2] and I hated it then too!
It's not like I don't get it, because I do, I was just lazy and missed alot of class.
This whole thing is just ridiculous, I can't imagining being face to face with this teacher.
I would just die, or say something rude and ridiculous.
It's hard not to type it right now.
It's like, LADYIAMINTWELFTHGRADENOTFOURTH!
PLEASESPEAKTOMELIKEIAMANADULT.
Why is it so hard for teachers to treat us like we aren't stupid?
With that tone, like we're five.
If I am not here tomorrow, just please know I shot myself because of the idiot way the teacher is speaking.

I just want her to hear a big FUCK YOU.

Soulmates: Real Or Not?

Definition: A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful. [Compliments of Urban Dictionary.]

Do they exist?
Is it possible that one person has only one soulmate? And if that's true, what happens when they die? Then are you lonely for the rest of you life? Do you never find the true love you were destined for? Sometimes I believe this to be true, sometimes I wish I could just find my soulmate already. Maybe I have? Maybe I lost him? Is it possible that some of us were born without soulmates? Are we just so complex that we will never find our other half?
Here's a quote from Greek Mythology.

Humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.

Is this true?
Penguins mate for life, does that mean that they have found their soulmate?
How come it is so hard for humans to love?
Will I ever know the answers to my questions?
Will I ever find my other half?

Let's Talk About Eating Disorders.

Everybody wants to look perfect, because that's how Hollywood portrays 'normal' people. Hollywood makes fun of celebrities who have gained even the most measly amount of weight. Supermodels are rail thin and they are considered to be the most beautiful girls in the world. But honestly? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the only person that really matters is you. If you think you are beautiful then you are, no matter physical appearance.  Most beauty comes from the inside, with smiles and kindness. You cannot be ugly, you can only have a horrible personality. Emotions like anger make you ugly. Deceiving people will make you ugly, using people will make you ugly, hurting people on purpose will make you ugly. Being kind, loving, and caring will make you beautiful.
It doesn't matter how much you weigh. It doesn't matter what you look like, all that matters is YOU. You are beautiful for who you are. The only reason to lose weight is if you have health problems. Don't do it to get some guy to like you. Don't resort to anorexia or bulimia because you need to be healthy. Bulimia makes your breath smell and your teeth fall out. Anorexia cam make you too skinny and ultimately kill you. Being skinny is not worth dying. If you want to be skinny, eat healthy, exercise at least 30 minutes a day. There are plenty of resources out there that will help you in your mission to lose weight. Don't make any rash decisions. Take your time, you have your whole life. Remember that you are beautiful no matter what anyone tells you. Keep that in mind when you are trying to lose weight, or when you look in the mirror.

So Far Away.

"Never feared for anything.

Never shamed but never free.

A laugh that healed the broken heart with all that it could.

Lived the life so endlessly.

Saw beyond what others see.

I tried to heal your broken heart with all that I could.

Will you stay?

Will you stay away forever?

How do I live without the ones I love?

Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned.

Place and time always on my mind.

I have so much to say but you're so far away.

Plans of what our features hold

Foolish lies of growin' old

It seems we're so invincible, the truth is so cold.

A final song, a last request

A perfect chapter laid to rest

Now and then I try to find a place in my mind.

Where you can say,

You can stay awake forever.

How do I live without the ones I love?

Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned.

Place and time always on my mind.

I have so much to say but you're so far away.

Sleep tight, I'm not afraid.

The ones that we love are here with me.

Lay away a place for me

'Cause as soon as I'm done, I'll be on my way

To live eternally.

How do I live without the ones I love?

Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned

Place and time always on my mind

And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay

I have so much to say but you're so far away.

I love you

You were ready

The pain is strong enough to despise

But I'll see you

When He lets me

Your pain is gone, your hands are tied.

So far away.

And I need you to know

So far away

And I need you to,

Need you to know..."

Dedicated To Cody Morris, His favorite band.

You were so young, and so full of life. And so very special. You didn't have a mean bone in your body. 

One of my very last memories with you was you making a brownie-cake for you mum, stoned off your ass. I guess your promise is invalidated now huh?

I was going to visit you at the hospital, but your not there anymore, instead you are gone. 

I sincerely hope there is a Heaven, so that I can see you again. 

It's so hard to believe your gone...

I miss you already. I'll miss the way you always bummed ciggarrettes off me, and I always gave you one. I'm sorry for hitting you in the nuts the last time we saw each other. And I will never regret coming to hang out that night. Did you have a fun guys day? I really hope you did. You were one of the best friends I had. Smoking out of the gravity bong with you will always be one of my favorite memories of you. I don't blame you Cody, for anything. Not even for taking so many pills, but I wish I was there to help. To show you that I love you when you most needed it. I would say I was sorry for all the times I was mean to you, but you know that's just how I am right?

God, I miss you. I can't believe your gone. Our family will always be incomplete without you. I regret not being able to give you anymore bad haircuts, and never being able to receive one of your hugs again. You gave the best hugs ever. I still have the scratches on my back. I'll always remember you. Please look down on me wherever you are. 

Bob Marley said:

Herb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction.

I wish you had known that quote the night you decided to party to hard. You were one of the best people I knew. There's way to much to even say to you. Why did you have to leave?

R.I.P Cody, and may you permanently be high. 

Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live! -Your idol, Bob Marley.