So, I'm back.

But I can't get into the coffee shop guys.
Been pretty stressful lately.
Had to go vegan because of an allergy to eggs and milk.
Still smoking, going through ALOT of shit lately.
So, I probably won't even post on here.

A Meaningful Blog.

When I was younger, my biggest fear of dying.
Then when I got older it was dying a virgin.
And now, my biggest fear is losing all those that I love and dying before I find that one special person.
I don't want to be wandering around in the afterlife with no clue of what love really is.
Lately, as my grandmother gets older, I fear what will become of me after her death.
I can truly say that I love my grandmother more than I love anyone else on this planet.
I believe that her death will destroy the person I am, leaving me an empty husk.
I cannot face death, I still haven't accepted that Cody's gone.
I don't believe I ever will.
I think to often, and to much.
I always wonder things like: is my other half out there? What if I get cancer? Am I unloveable?
I know I worry to much.

But honestly, life terrifies me, not death.

A Poem From A Chat Room.

It started so well, that late winter's night.
Quite hot she looked, i must say at first sight.
Her shirt she took off, with naught even a care.
And that's when i saw, this girl was covered in hair.
And so i said unto her, while i do crave some nookie.
I'll be damned my dear, if i sleep with a wookie.

A Little Less Swamped.

So I have been working my butt of to get most of my work done, which I have.
I have to say, I am a bit proud of myself, you know besides going back to smoking.
:[
So today, I am going to get my check and buy some things that I need.
Like more cartridges for my electronic ciggarette.
I think I broke the n on my keyboard too because half the time it decides not to work sometimes.
I haven't been keeping up on my sign language, maybe I should find a free class somewhere with people I can practice with?
Well, more meaning full blogs and such later, ta-ta.

A Little Behind.

So, since I am new to this whole online school plus trying to learn sign language at the same time I am a little lost in my life. I do nothing all day but procrastinate, and I fear it is only going to get worse. So far I am so behind in alot of my classes and I have a lot of making up to do. However, I just can't seem to focus. I found a new favorite song. I'm waiting for my one, true love. I want to be skinny, but I'm lazy and can't seem to stop eating. I miss someone, I want to crawl in a whole. I'm hot and cold. All the time. I watched Slumdog Millionaire last night, great movie. I wish someone loved me like that.  I'm going to go and try to catch up and get my life in order, so for the next couple of days I will not be on here. <3

Just Thought I Should Share This.

Calling her FAKE won't make you REAL.
Calling her DUMB won't make you SMART.
Calling her WEAK won't make you STRONG.
Calling her UGLY won't make you BEAUTIFUL.
Calling her MEAN won't make you NICE.
Calling her SLUT won't make you KIND-HEARTED.
Calling her RUDE won't make you POLITE.

It's Much To Quiet In Here!

I seriously feel like I am going a bit crazy.
I mean I know I was crazy to begin with, but lately I'm just like UGH.
And all I can think about is the tattoo I want to get on the back of my neck...
I've been chain smoking and considering I want to quit and this is the last pack I'm buying it's a bad idea.
I just want to scream all my anguish out at the world.
Pull my hair and just let everything go, but then people would really think I was crazy.
If I screamed enough, would all the pain go away?
I think I am going to try that tonight into a pillow, it used to make me feel better.
But will it now? Will it work?
I'm just so confused now, I don't know what I am doing with my life, I feel numb.
I don't feel anything, ever.
I don't get excited, happy, sad.
Just angry, all the time. It's like the only emotion I can feel anymore.
I feel antsy, like I just want to destroy something, smash it against the wall.

It's much to quiet it here! I want to disappear. I can hear myself thinking to clear.

 I think I am going to find something I don't care about and just smash it into a million pieces, feel the satisfaction of destroying something.

UPDATE: Destroyed an old phone, not satisfying enough, need glass.